Personality Speaking (2003)

A short comedy story that was written back in 2003 as a project for college.

chris ticehurst

James Wanton of 24 Apron Street of the city of Buble lived in a nice sized house with nice lounges that he sat on. He was reading the newspaper inspecting what was to come for the new week.

“Time to restore the fridge again,” he said to himself.

He decided to go down to the local shopping mall to buy some things. He looked at the big flashing date when he entered the car parking.

“ June 30 th 2078 , it’ll be my birthday soon,” he thought to himself.

He soon got out of his car and the car locked itself and James walked down to the A.T.M. The machine greeted him.

“Hello James, the same as always?” the machine asked.

“Yes the same,” he answered her.

“I get sick and tired of people sometimes, they never treat us right,” the machine complained when James started to key in his pin number.

“I mean they always push my buttons the wrong way and we do have feelings James,” said the machine.

“So you want me to push your buttons, softer?” asked a confused James.

“Well there’s more to it,” said the A.T.M.

“For god sake, you’re a machine!” cried James.

“That’s right; just say I’m a machine. Everyone else says it! Snapped the A.T.M and shot out the cash onto the ground.

“Thanks, stupid machine, you bloody should get your feelings chips removed!” shouted James picking up the notes.

“They never say thanks for our service or anything. It hurts you know James,” said the A.T.M.

James did some shopping at the supermarket and left the mall to a vending machine selling soft drink cans. He put some coins as the machine spoke to him.

“I won’t let ya have you coke until you hear my joke,” it said to James.

“Just give me my drink!” snapped James.

“Bugger you. Rude human, you can listen now,” the vending machine cried.

“There was this blonde who moved from normal class to business class and refused to changed seats. The airport guys couldn’t get her to change. She said she was going to be a model and be famous soon,” said the vending machine.

“And?” asked James.

“They got to the captain and he knew how to fix the problem. How did he?” asked the vending machine.

“Hang on; I may have heard this one before. I give up,” said James in defeat.

“The captain said to her, ‘the plane’s changed direction and the business class is now at the other end! Hahahaha!” burst out the vending machine laughing.

“Shut up now. You’re making a scene,” said James.

“Oh sorry, sorry here’s your coke!” cried the vending machine and out popped the can.

“Thanks see ya,” said James pushing the trolley of food away.

James arrived home and started to pack the food away and some into his fridge. The fridge woke up with a fuss over the food.

“James, James, James? What is all this. This is not healthy for you. Don’t you read the food directions on the boxes?” complained the fridge.

“Since when you become my heath doctor?” asked James.

“Since the start. Since your last girlfriend. All you eat is junk food. Go out and find something better I won’t open the door until you find yourself something better,” cried the Fridge and shut the door tight.

“Open up you stupid thing. I order you at once!” shouted James.

“No, you won’t!” snapped the fridge.

“That won’t work James,” popped another voice.

It was the oven and he knew the fridge pretty well over the years.

“I called her an Ice queen bitch one time and she started throwing cold food at me. She said I was just a hot headed male. That’s not fair being here. I want to move out. Maybe the lounge room hey? That would be nice. You don’t have to come in here without that cow bugging you. The T.V ‘s nice and calm I’ve heard,” said the Oven.

“I’m not moving my oven because it’s having a fight with a fridge,” said James.

“I’ll get a court order on her. She can’t go near 5kms on me!” cried the Oven.

“No you won’t!” cried James hitting it with a towel.

“Stupid fridge. I can’t believe every bloody machine out to get me,” cried the ‘master’ and stormed out.

He arrived into the lounge room and sat down to watch the T.V. He switched to the news when the T.V switched back to the soap opera. After a fight between the remote control and the T.V, James threw the control at it.

“Hey, what’s that for?” shouted the T.V.

“I want to watch the news ok? It’s better than this crap you’re watching. It’s my house,” James cried.

“I’ve been waiting for this part to happen. If Susan accepted Bruce’s marriage proposal. Three months I’ve been watching this, and I won’t let you stop me,” snapped the T.V.

“The news is important to me, got it? Change it!” cried James.

“No, oh wait here it comes – no! Don’t let it end now! I have to wait to wait until next week. Here’s your stupid news,” said the T.V switching it over to the other channel.

James watched the news in peace and walked out of the house down to the corner store.

He entered the store to buy some ‘better’ food. He brought them up the storekeeper and gave him the same look every week.

“The Fridge again?” he asked.

“Yeah, she won’t open up again,” sighed James.

“It’s a pain, but your electric goods do have feelings and care for you because you give them a home and you look after them,” said the storekeeper.

“It’s like I living in a Big Brother house, with bloody twenty people living inside. Everyone’s got their own personalities and they want all different things!” shouted James.

“You will get used to it but you do this power,” said the storekeeper and whispered it to James. He smiled and picked up the food and walked out.

James got inside to see his computer turned on. The computer was surfing the net on something.

“I found your site Mr. Wanton. The site on electric goods counseling!” laughed the computer and the T.V and DVD Player laughed with the computer.

“Very funny. I have my ways to show you guys. Alright, no more funny business,” cried James and he went off into the next room. He pulled the door on the fridge and she saw a mud pudding he was holding.

“No, not going to happen,” she cried out.

“Just hide it won’t you?” cried the Dishwasher.

James went red in his face and walked up to the power cord and pull out the cord, the fridge went dead.

“He pull the Ice queen’s cord!” shouted the Toaster.

All the electric goods started to chat to each other abut and the Oven was more than pleased.

“Ding dong the witch is dead, which old witch? The wicked bitch! Ding dong the witch is dead!” sung the Oven.

“Quiet! Or I will unplug every cheeky little power sucking machine in this house!” shouted James.

Every machine was dead quiet and James and watched everyone.

“I want everyone to respect me and do as I say. I am your master and you should listen to me. I look after you and I give you power which is life to you. Understand!” he cried.

Everyone gave beeps, flashes, and door openings and closings of yes came across the house. James plugged in the fridge again.

The fridge was quiet and opened the door for him.

“I still think that dinner meal was the best one,” snorted the Fridge and James showed the dinner meal in the plastic bag.

“Well, good” answered a friendlier Fridge.

James walked off and went upstairs to bed. He lid on the bed and rested his eyes.

“Another day of my life.” said James.

There was a knock at the door and the DVD Player shouted out.

“It’s your ex again!”

“Here comes the real problem, I wish I could pull her plug out,” James moaned walking downstairs.

He was about to open the door when the computer sang out.

“Don’t worry James, we’ll help you,” he said in a cunning voice.

James eyes widen and he opened the door, “Hi” he greeted her in fear.

Unknown to us which factor he feared the most…

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